I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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