Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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