So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
