just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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