Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
