I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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