My boss' voice literally gives me gas
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
