Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
