I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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