Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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