Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
