Your face is a jimmy john
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
