I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
