I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
