I will die if light touches me.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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