What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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