Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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