the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She told me I should be a condom model.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
