1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
