It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
