i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Randomize
