If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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