I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
