I'm jealous of your bromance
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
