I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
