I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
