Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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