Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
