I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
