and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
