Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
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It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
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You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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