i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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