I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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