Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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