I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
