There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
