she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
