I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
