I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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