He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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