dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
