Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
