I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
i think my cat just said my name.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
