This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
