Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
