i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Randomize
