Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
