So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I take back everything I said about communal showers
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
