If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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