I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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