Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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