mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
