dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
