we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
