So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
