You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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