I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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