i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You brought string cheese to the strip club
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
